Perfectionist's Care Package

I am going to give a workshop series in the Winter.

Topic: Fear of failure, and giving and receiving help.

Who: People that often feel overwhelmed or exhausted by the fear of failure, and negative outcomes; who struggle to ask for help because it seems like admitting weakness (it is not, not all things are possible alone... in fact few if any things are).

Why: So that we can do our best, and if it is not enough, can still have compassion for ourselves. Everyone should have the opportunity and means to develop emotional resilience, a capacity to have grace under fire, to keep our wits about us when we need to. And when the dust has settled, shake it off, with a spring in our step.

When: 5 Sundays x 4h - 1 Nov, 8 Nov, 22 Nov, 29 Nov, and 6 Dec (specific time, TBD). I want to do this in 5 sessions because a single session is rarely enough to create lasting change and improvement.

How:  This workshop is focused on somatically working through emotions, and it will be hugely experiential and very personalised. We all have our unique patterns of tension and (in)action to fear or helplessness and what this course offers is tailor-made to help with them.

We will use exercises movement patterns, ideas and methods chosen from meditation, martial arts, dance, improv, and the performing arts. Setting us up to safely simulate situations that stir a fear of failure, a sense of helplessness, or a need for help. And prepare us to do our best, and should it be not enough that we does not knock the wind out of us.

For example: A competition between you and another participant; investigating how we feel in these situations (how did you react even at the mention competition?), how we feel before, during and after - win, lose or draw. Then how we can change so that our reaction is more constructive and less tiring.

Thoughts
Brené Brown said it best in a an interview with Forbes magazine
I was raised in a “get ‘er done” and “suck it up” family and culture (very Texan, German-American). The tenacity and grit part of that upbringing has served me, but I was not taught how to deal with uncertainty or how to manage emotional risk. I spent a lot of years trying to outrun or outsmart vulnerability by making things certain and definite, black and white, good and bad. My inability to lean into the discomfort of vulnerability limited the fullness of those important experiences that are wrought with uncertainty: Love, belonging, trust, joy, and creativity [...].

All the way through school and in work, there is a huge emphasis on the right result - “100%!”,  the ends justifying the means.  Putting in just a few more hours to get something finished, or just right, because it is shameful to fail. The entire experience can be brutalising, sense of personal worth becomes tied to results; a failed project, exam, training session or even a conversation, like being told one has been terrible or bad. It is rare that people are adequately prepared for emotional fallout, when things do not go as planned. It can often leave us paralysed!

In martial arts, competitive sports, performing arts, even technical professions - we spend time preparing, conditioning and training ourselves for the moment where we gotta perform; you do not run a marathon without putting in the work first. Likewise, I think it is critical we have opportunity and support develop emotional resilience, because emotionally intense situations are marathons, they leave their marks and they can be a lot worse than a few blisters on our feet.

Practicalities:
Lingua Franca - I will give most of the course in English, but on request, I can speak in Dutch, and during sharing and discussions, either language goes.
Venue - TBD; but location is Antwerp, Belgium
Cost - €100 for the entire series (refund is possible after the first session only; if this idea takes off, I will be charging €200 per course), deposit is €20. Balance can be paid at a later date. Email: maw140@gmail.com for details.
Participants - Ideally 10-15 people. Minimum of 6 for workshop to go ahead.
Clothes - wear what you can move freely in and will keep you sufficiently warm if standing around. (My own recommendation: loose-fitting tracksuit bottoms, long t-shirt, and a jumper)
Questions: Contact me on Facebook (Mairtin McNamara) or email: maw140@gmail.com

Me:

I have been working with the body in one or another for 22 years, most of that has been martial arts (kung fu and karate), but I have been dancing for nearly 10 years (mainly salsa, some hip-hop, and tango), I have done a week long intensive with Paul Linden in embodiment peacemaking and bodywork (using manual manipulation to release tension and get a deeper relaxation).

In 2013 I completed the multi-perspective embodied facilitator course with Mark Walsh, Francis Briers and Anouk Brack. More recently, I have been looking at movement improve, circus training and public speaking.

I have a PhD in industrial crystallization, black belts in kung fu and karate, I am a Competent Communicator in Toastmasters.... In word all the trademarks of a perfectionist and overachiever, i.e. lots of personal experience with fear of failure and the shame that can come with actual failure ;)

Systema Traincation

The last couple of years I've been going on "Traincations." Where I go off somewhere and immerse myself in something, a facet of awareness/movement, "mad skillz", if you will. Essentially a retreat.¹

Last year, I trained with the wonderful Paul Linden in Columbus, Ohio. For a week I worked on conflict resolution and bodywork, plus some Aikido classes in the evenings, with him, all the while I staying at his dojo. An off-kilter veering from my typical day as an engineer (he says with a hipster's smugness).

This year, I was back in North America, and this time it's personal martial. I came to Toronto, the second home of Systema (also called "Know Thy Self") (from the site):

[...]  the authorities quickly realized how viable and devastating the original combat system was and reserved it just for a few Special Operations Units. 

 The body has to be free of tension, filled with endurance, flexibility, effortless movement and explosive potential.

The spirit or psychological state has to be calm, free of anger, irritation, fear, self-pity, delusion and pride.The combat skill includes movements that are powerful and precise, instant and economical, spontaneous, subtle and diverse, the signature of a true professional. 

So there you have it a martial art, reserved for the Russian military elite. In a word:

Hardcore

In practice a mixture of wrestling, groundwork, strikes, weapons and multiple opponents; the whole shebang. I had gone to a few classes of it since September here in Belgium, but I couldn't go as regularly as I'd like because of the travel time.² It frustrated me quite a bit, and some of the guys at the school here in Kortrijk told me that people often go to Toronto and train for weeks, sometimes even months, at the source as it were. Given my obsessive bend, that piqued my interest...

And off I went. The first week at Systema Fightclub, and then second week at Systema HQ. And you know what? It is the tenderest, most compassionate, heartwarming and honest ass-kicking I have ever experienced!

It struck me more as a personal development course in the guise of a martial art. Sure, we're going to: step on each other... Push and shove... Lock and grab... Hit... Gang up on... Even use sticks, chains, whips and training knives... but it's about building each other up, leaving us greater than we were before. Give no more than the partner can handle; gradually expanding the comfort zone; handle punch with care.

That's the idea.

Working on the edge of the comfort zone, is by no means easy; I was covered in bruises and at times annoyed by the skill difference between me and the guys I trained with... It's particularly confronting since I've been doing martial arts for over 20 years. I mean, I should be better at hitting people for heaven's sake!

Luckily everyone was open to helping me. Giving me tips and pointers.

There is one class for everyone. There are no forms to learn; it's bare bones: principles of alignment and minimal effort, breath control and helping each other.  It doesn't matter if one has been training 1 day, 1 year or 20, the exercises are scalable enough that all benefit from the neophyte to the seasoned,  just a question of how deep/far one can go. In the partner work, we collaborate to get the most out of it, it's not competitive. We're given a great deal of autonomy; the teacher explains and demonstrates. He watches over us, but we investigate and explore, if we're not sure or need more guidance, we can. From the get go, we're encouraged to figure it out for yourself.

There is a wonderful emphasis on ease of motion, investigating different approaches and effects of handicaps (go to and get up from the ground while keeping one leg off of the ground, hands behind the back, etc.). We're invited to notice where tension, anxiety, fear or anger arises and working with it, relaxing using movement and breathing, and feedback/support from your partners.

Contrary to the typical image of martial arts, humanity is acknowledged and embraced in the training, it is not denied, as if we were cold automatons following a program or "real men"; that we get frustrated, have emotional responses to attacks and attacking. The context is martial arts, but the guys you meet and work with strive to integrate it with the rest of their lives.

Every class ends with massage work, some peaceful nurturing contact, balancing out the more violent prior work. The fighter is reminded that he can do more than harm. I found this profoundly special, because generally we, and men even more so, don't get enough caring physical contact. I read two pointed articles on this: Touch as Nutrition, by my good man, John Tuite; and  Touch Isolation: How Homophobia has robbed Men of Touch at the Good Man Project. The former looking at the dirth of touch in general and the latter about impact homophobia has had on how male friends express their friendships, and the consequences of being so starved for contact. For no other reason than allowing people the breadth of types of contact we can experience, these classes are powerful. And of course, who doesn't like being able to massage people well? :)

Manny, head teacher at Systema Fightclub, who spent hours outside of class  generously sharing his thoughts and experiences on the art and its broader scope, talks about Systema the martial art being just 15% of what Systema can do, that there is also the Systema of the family, the workplace, and the world at large, and can we apply the principles there that we cultivate in Systema the art.

I presume this level of integration is because of its military origins, where there is a need for a state of sustained vigilance and emotional resilience, so that neither acts of violence nor fear nor eventual aftermaths get you.

The kung fu I practice touches on this idea of calm and well-being, but I haven't experienced the class structure committing to it so effectively; quite often, training kung fu, I feel like I am carving an intricately fine statuette on a pin, using a microscope. Whereas the handful of days I got to spend in Toronto felt more like painting a mural on a wall in the middle of a city; both are works of art and passion, but one is scope and exposure differ.

Pushing the personal development and well-being lark aside, I'll wax pragmatic about the direct application of the training. As I mentioned the classes are made up pf simple (not easy) exercises to improve suppleness and strength in the body, and breath control. It eschews the more esoteric trappings of martial arts, with even sparing explicit mention of a stance, let alone forms and techniques. There are things that are worked on here, that other martial arts cultivate as well, but what impressed me the most is, the economy and efficiency of the Systema approach to training, where partner collaboration is central. The communication between the partners and the cut-down nature of the exercises means the desired effect is clear and the partner will say if it is off the mark. There are epiphanies fleeting or otherwise, that I have had in my own training in the years gone by, that in my opinion, would have been be more quickly arrived at in these classes. Content-wise, something I find singular is their approach and handling of multiple attackers, in any given class, there are even odds that we'll be worked over by two or more people in some capacity. This builds a comfort and familiarity with extra people and, I think, reduces tunnel vision in fights, because there are few things that discourage tunnel-vision more than trying to hit someone while getting kicked from behind by another. Segueing back into the personal development work... in day to day life, it's rare we have the luxury of focussing and acting on a single thing without other things looming; really isn't there always something kicking us from behind while we are trying to live (Imagine I am a cheesy reporter, finishing up a schlocky human interest piece...)?

At the end of my visit, when I was leaving, Vlad, gave me a warm handshake and hug. His wholehearted gratitude for taking the time to come and train in Toronto was incredibly touching. Ultimately, despite moments of vexation the likes of which I haven't experience in a year or too, this was a fantastic experience, that I hope to revisit many times in the coming years. :)

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¹The typical image of a retreat is going off to nature, camping or staying in a Wigwam or something, but that is just too mainstream for me. Following the idea of Campbell's Hero's journey as a template for what retreats are: the environs thereof, are not critical to the process, but stepping over the threshold into the unknown is; going away from the familiar, from friends and family and diving into something alien.

²I wouldn't have any trouble attending because of the time travel.