Mairtin McNamara- Zombie Scientist

Apologies for the looooooooonng delay, folks; I decided on [does quotation gesture with index and middle fingers] me time (in an American accent) over blogging time.

So. Halloween.

Again.

This year I are mostly went as a zombie. Somehow, the idea came to me after a weekend of watching Zombieland and a zombie-themed episode of Smallville.

As some must recall, I used an LED in last year's costume. I latched onto the trope once more, since it was such an easy way to impress.
Long did I ponder on the to shoe-horning of the LEDs into the costume.* Luckily, we have the waxing zombie sub-genre: "Zombie _______."** Can I get a drum-roll please?

...

Two words: Zombie, Scientist, & Awesome.*** I did some sketches of before and after, to get details ironed out (right). While doing the drawrings,**** I developed a backstory for my costume (check it out here).

Initially, I was thinking of putting together LEDs from scratch with a circuit so that it could flash or something. Alas, time ran short. I had to skip out on that and decided on using LED christmas lights.

I found a link that went through modding christmas lights from mains to battery operation. I bought a set of flashing lights in Arnotts. Unfortunately, the circuit arrangement for the LED lights did not allow for a simple cut and splice in to a battery source. This was unusual, as most circuits use a rectifier to convert the A/C to DC and then do all that magical elecltronic stuff. In this case, the A/C must be used in the timing for the whole thing. It being the Friday before Halloween, I did not have the time to it open and see what's what.*****

So, as a hail Mary pass, I went in to town that evening. Some frantic strolling around later, I found what I needed in Debenhams, two 25 red LEDs sets run directly off of battery ["w00t!"]. I used a piece of cardboard to hold the lights in the lettered arrangement. I gathered my lab coat, some thick framed 3-D glasses- polarised type, not red/blue- and I was golden.

Hours to minutes before the kick-off of the Halloween party, Sarah sorted me out with liquid latex****** and oodles of blood for fake wounds . I think it worked out well.

I think next year I will stock up on liquid latex, maybe embed LEDs in it.
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*A zombie better have a damn good reason for having a doneup shirt let alone, working Light Emiting Diodes.
**The list is exhaustive, briefly: Uncle Sam, Nazi, Stripper, bunny, comic book heroes, and other fictional characters. Last week, I heard that Neil Patrick Harris went as an Zombie English Fop and one of the girls in the kung fu club went as a zombie Bavarian maiden.
***Much like water from hydrogen and water, awesome is produced spontaneously when zombies and science are set on fire- so it is a freeby and highly exothermic.
****I also say "liberary" and "nuculear"
*****That and I lack any qualification in looking at circuits beyond putting together PCs, soldering stuff under direction and knowing how a peltier works.
******The latex is dissolved in ammonia xP

Zombie: a backstory to a costume- The Musical Comedy Satire, the off-broadway hit

Here comes the backstory for my costume, my raison d'être, if I may.

[Fade in]

No. Wait, I have changed my mind:
[Flashback] The corners of the scene are fuzzy dark. the camera shots are off kilter.

Shot 1. super-near foreground: A mug on a desk saying "World's best dad undead", focus shifts to background: white coated figure under a bright light standing in front of desk.¹
Dr John Nerdman [PhD]: "[inaudible]...I'm telling you, they are making zombies in there! I have the proof! They are convinced that they can keep it under control and nothing can go wrong with their containment."

Shot 2. Cut to man² behind the desk, we don't see his face, quick shots of his expensive watch,³ his lapel, his shoelace, his healthy cuticles and his hand as he writes something- with an audible scratching sound- oooo! I have an idea: we can cut the writing hand really tightly and make it look like violent strokes, timed with the listing of meeting topics; that could be symbolic for something.⁴
Shot 3. As he concludes his speech, A super close-up of a fly buzzing around and landing on a rotten apple in the basket beside the desk. - More awesome symbologisms!
Nerdman continues: "They say,'...the amount of time we spent in meetings proactively focused on planning, implementation, optimisation, cost-cutting, logo-design, affirmative action initiatives and colour-coordinating means absolutely nothing can go wrong. Nothing. We are invincible.'"

Shot 4. foreground (right half of shot): the back of a high-backed office chair in shadow; mid-ground (middle third of shot): a large obsidian desk bedecked in the most modern of post-modern minimalist junior-executive toys;⁵ Background (carry the tw- rest of shot): our protagonist stands puny in a white lab coat a single light overhead,- kinda like the spotlight that Mr Bean came down in- making his glasses and lab coat all shiny... and stuff.
Initially: silence, except for the strokes of the pen. The man behind the desk sighs; have a close up of his finger tips steepling together.
Mr. F.⁶ Lessman: "...Dr Nerdman [PhD], you can't be serious. This isn't some horror/sci-fi, where you, an unlikely hero, stands alone against a faceless corrupt system and an amoral Multi-National Corporation, that controls governments at the highest levels like puppets. [sotto voce] Well it is, but mainly it is about our protagonist getting the moral victory in the middle of the film, while everything else goes to shit for him [/sotto voce]. Now if you wouldn't mind being thrown out by my henc-uh security staff."

Shot 5. When the guards drag our protagonist out, we'll only show shots of hands grabbing the arms of the white lab coat, close-ups of scared eyes, gritted teeth and dragging feet, in fact, we can intercut this with the hand writing. Ultimately the protagonist is pulled from the light by the shadowed henchmen.
Dr Nerdman PhD: "Heh, I didn't hear what you said there when you got really quiet- get your hands off of me! You'll regret this, you know? I warned youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu-"

[Flashforward to present, to make that clear, well have changing digital cyphers that resolve into "present day" and we'll use that sound effect that always goes with that kind of thing, you know, not to alienate the audience]

Having been fired from his job with the company at the heart of the debacle,⁷ and painted a quack by the media,⁸ our non-hero holds himself up in his studio apartment with lots of cans of beans [not a pleasant smell], waiting for things to go to Dawn of the Shaun.

It does. The corporate execs and other people that called him mad or laughed at his non-conformative declarations die of brain-eaten related injuries.⁹ Everything was going fine for our non-hero, riding high on a sense of self-satisfaction. Until... while out on his weekly chamber-pot emptying trip,¹⁰ he gets bitten by a zombie [Mairtin pauses to think of something funny] clown. [Mairtin pauses again, to attempt to pat himself on the back]

Dr Nerdman [PhD] realises he is infected. He goes through stages of grief.¹¹ He thinks back to the time he read I am Legend:¹²

"Oh, well," he nudges his thick framed glasses back-up his nose and stares resolutely into the distance," I might as well make the best of a bad situation."

He's sure that some people will happily give-up their brains, when asked. Unfortunately, requests for "Brains. Braaaaaaains. Brainsssss." are oft misunderstood. Our nerd cobbles together a chest sign in LED lights reading "BRAinS", in hopes of encouraging donations.

The back story ends with our non-hero shambling [step, step, step, drag, step, step, step drag]¹³ towards a horizon with an impossibly big full moon, cleaver in hand and LEDs flashing dolefully. The opening notes of "Don't Worry, Be Happy" play overhead, except instead of McFerrin's patented whistles and body sounds, we'll use grunts, moans and wheezes. Maybe an acapella cover.

[Fade out/Roll credits]

I'm in an all singing, all dancing kind of mood and I might push for a something like like this or this
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¹Everyone knows it is a prerequisite that scenes in screenplays are written in this fashion, the more pompous delivery and dubious the grammar, the better.

²I'm sure there are evil women sitting behind fancy desks somewhere, but they probably have the sense to not lord it over their supplicants enough to warrant a part in a movie.
Besides, more than likely the protagonist would end up seducing/being seduced her/by her, they fall in love despite their original ulterior motives, she betrays him, but only to gain her way to the inner circle of evil people to further his disestablishmentarianism, it transpires that it was her only way to bust through the glass ceiling and this time she really stabs him in the back- maybe even actually, as opposed to figuratively, I mean, like, literally.
She most likely has the protagonist killed without the theatrics characteristic of male evil overlords, she might even shed a tear, but her career is her first priority at the moment and she has no time for a relationship... But he could have been the one...
Obviously, this segue had no room in my "vision" and ended up on the cutting room floor.

³time: 04:10 into the link. - A! B! C!

⁴What I intend it to be a symbol of, some would consider trivial- The feckers, just because they are afraid to create.

⁵As featured in the Spring issue of MQ [Megalomaniac Quarterly]

⁶F. is for Face [pronounced with a "ch" because he is Italian], I kill me. Figuratively, speaking.

⁷Initially, the company spokesperson stated that they have numerous reports that "...indicate our involvement in the 'incident' is at least not very likely, maybe even impossible."
When a YouTube video of the earliest recorded zombie raging in a cage in the penthouse office of Mr Eibmoz, founder and CEO of Eibmoz Ltd., hit a million views, the spokesperson conceded that their initial claim of non-involvement was "somewhat of an exaggeration".
Their was much awkward silences, hand-wringing and goldfish impersonations when it was pointed out that the CEO's name is an unimaginative anagram for Zombie.
And, in retrospect, the company slogan: "With us, your brain can be put to delicious use" was unlikely to be a harmless mistranslation from Mr Eibmoz's native Guilder tongue.

⁸Newscaster #1: "today on 'Scientists say the dumbest things': One man goes against convention and spits in the face of corporate America, saying that one company is using people in zombie research to cut-back their employee expenditure...[chuckles and shuffles papers]... I tell you one thing, June: we don't need a brain to know this guy is full of phooey."
Newscaster #2: "Boy howdee, Tom. I heard he was escorted out of his place of work, doesn't sound like a very good 'scientist' to me. If you ask me- um - ate his own brain [and my name is Tiffani, you idiot]"
Newscaster #1: "[Whatever, I can have you replaced with some other ethnic minority/woman, everyone knows that the white male is the real anchor], coming up after the break: studies by pastor Dave conclusively show soilent green is super tasty"<sup>13

9</sup>I imagine the ubiquity of these storylines in sci-fi and horror films is an expression of the feelings of isolation/lack of understanding that writers of the genre felt as teenagers. - Stay tuned for more pop psychology :)

¹⁰The first thing to go when zombies move into the neighbourhood is the plumbing. True Story.

¹¹It is going to be a montage to a mash-up of Roisin Murphy's "Ruby Blue" and Eric Carmen's "All by myself":
Denial- he'll shake his head a few times (Ruby Blue); Pain- he'll do some crying, eye rubbing, while sitting against a wall in the fetal position (All by myself); Anger- start throwing poorly-aimed cans of beans at carefree zombies outside (Some more Ruby Blue);
Bargaining- he'll do some praying, say he'll build many churches in whichever God answer is prayer; Depression- he'll sit under the bucket full of water with holes in it that he uses as a shower, another cut of all by myself;¹⁴ Acceptance- he'll look outside and see how carefree the zombies are: they can get up when they like, eat what they want without worrying about body image, etc. His frown will turn upside down. (Finish on Ruby Blue)

¹²The film and it share little.

¹³A bachatta zombie

¹⁴No dystopian film or depiction is incomplete without that reference.

¹⁵"A guy has gotta stay clean and fresh; she might have been joking when she said,'not even if you were the last man on Earth.'"